Villager Claims Vampires Love Martinis
Vampire Nosferata enjoying a dirty martini. Alcoholism runs rampant with vampires and most mythologists are not sure why. Sheila, a vampire from Transylvania, has quit drinking blood altogether and simply indulges in alcoholic beverages whenever and wherever she can. She can put down a whole bottle of vodka in an hour and is particularly found of Tennessee mudslides. She has gone from a creature of the night to the "town drunk of Transylvania."
TRANSLYLVANIA - CoverUps has learned that vampires apparently don't just like to drink blood, they like to drink - period! In fact, many are foregoing blood for some of the harder spirits such as 151, Yeager Bombs and whisky-mixed well drinks.
"It all started with their love affair with the Bloody Mary," said Igor Breshenko (distant cousin of the real Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's famous assistant). Breshenko once had half a family line wiped out by Vlad the Impaler in what he describes as "one very bad summer" of 1431. "Now they don't' nearly abduct and kill as many villagers remanding them to a life of eternal blood sucking thirst and hungry... They drink like crazy though. Vodka sales have become our biggest draw in these parts."
Breshenko said it would appear that pure alcohol has a similar nourishing effect on them like blood and can sustain them while giving them something they can't get anywhere else, a respite from prowling the earth looking to suck and kill human beings.
"They are ready made for night life," Breshenko said. "I mean they can't be seen during the day because of the sun and all that, but at night, they really shine at social events. It is a good thing."
All is not bad, however, with vampires, he said.
He said most vampires are good about not drinking and not driving either. After all, they can summon a pack of wolves to lead them home or just change into a gaseous form if they had too much to drink.
"First and foremost they are always safe and you have to give them credit for that," he said. Breshenko said the cut back in killing villagers is welcome throughout Transylvania but not for reasons you would suspect.
"The worst thing about having relatives killed by vampires is that they never go away," Breshenko said. "You know the old saying that fish and guests are similar in that both stink after three days? Well, for vampires multiply that by three centuries and counting.... It sucks the blood out of you - literally."
He also said that, alcohol aside, vampires are pretty much drug free. Werewolves, however, are notorious pot heads evidenced by their lack of concern for personal grooming.