jokes jokes













Baldwin’s Childrens' Book
Canceled in Wake of Outburst

Celebrity Alec Baldwin’s planned children’s book has been scraped in light of a verbal lashing given to his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland.  His book, The Thoughtless Little Pig Who Couldn’t Use A Phone has been pulled and throw into publisher Doubleday’s trash heap.

LOS ANGELES - The festering bad blood between movie-stars and Ex-spouses, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger erupted recently when an angry phone message made from Baldwin to his daughter, Ireland, was made available to the public.  On the recording, Baldwin can be heard screaming at his 11-year-old daughter. 

"You are a rude, thoughtless little pig," Baldwin at one point said during the voicemail.

Aside from all the damage it has done to his father-daughter relationship, the voicemail is now threatening to ruin his chances of publishing a previously unknown children’s book, The Rude Thoughtless Little Pig.

“Hey, it sounded like a cute title,” said Karen Rahall, a publicist for Doubleday.  “But, after he basically tore into his daughter – I think we all did a double take and thought it would be better to not publish this book…”

Alec Baldwin’s brother, Daniele Baldwin came to his defense.  “Who gives a f—ck about what he said to his daughter,” he said in defensive of beleaguered Alec.

In lieu of the Baldwin book, Doubleday plans to release instead a series of children’s books penned by annoyingly mad Sean Penn, the self-glorified actor who saved a lot of frogs in wake of the New Orleans Hurricane Katrina disaster. His first book is called, Choke That Kid With The Camera.

Now Doubleday is thinking twice about that book as well.

“We thought there was something about Choke The Kid,” Rahall said, “It had that ring of a cute children’s book, like a violent Thomas The Train…  Boy, were we wrong!  It would have been right up there with the O.J. cookbook.”

We obtained a version of Baldwin’s book and it was clear to us that it was a half-witted attempt to capitalize on his relationship with his estranged daughter.  We obtained an exclusive excerpt:

"I don't give a damn - SAM I AM… that you're 12-years old or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a rude thoughtless bitch…  I DO NOT LIKE THEM IN A HOUSE or with that pain in the ass LOUSE for a SPOUSE…  I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM BUT - I WILL STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT – Damn!"

Baldwin may instead self-publish his book.  He is also working on another book tentatively titled “Cat in the f—king hat.”