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Advocates Call For
Protection Of Piggy Banks

piggy-bank-jokes

Meet Derrick, a piggy bank at the Anderson household in Madison, Wisconsin. He is about to be cracked open with a hammer. Can you spell hammer? H-A-M-M-E-R. (We knew you could.)

Notice the look of fright on Derrick's face. Many piggy banks are clamoring for laws that would protect them from hammer-wielding toddlers. Of course, even if such a law were passed, it wouldn't do Derrick much good.

ACROSS THE U.S.A. - Piggy banks have long been considered a tried-and-true way for America’s youngsters to be introduced to the increasingly rare concept of saving money for the future.

But this supposedly wholesome tradition has a dark underside: what child has not at one time or another smashed a piggy bank into a thousand little ceramic shards?

This sad cycle of violence may soon come to a merciful end, if a new advocacy group has its way.

Ralph Bacon of the Society for the Ethical Treatment of Piggy Banks – and President of the Banker’s Association of America – is lobbying congress for laws that would protect piggy banks from being smashed to bits by violent toddlers (and unscrupulous artists who supply online merchants with royalty-free photographs).

Ralph Bacon dozes off on his office couch after a hard day lobbying congress on behalf of endangered piggy banks.

“Think of the barbarity of grabbing your bank account and smashing it,” Bacon said. “Haven’t we outgrown our infantile need to smash stuff?”

The regrettable answer to that rhetorical challenge is "probably not". But the undaunted Bacon still wants to see all ceramic piggy banks equipped with a rubber plug so that quarters and other coinage can be removed less violently, starting in January of 2008.

But not everyone agrees that piggy banks would be less susceptible to harm, even with the rubber plugs.

“I don’t know that a rubber plug is the answer,” said Pinky, a ceramic piggy bank who's seen six of his immediate family smashed to bits in the span of only two years. “Yes, a rubber plug is preferable to being smashed. But to have some kid pull a rubber plug out of your body and reach deep inside you for coins? If that doesn’t sound like a bad trip to the Proctologist, I don’t know what does.”

Ernie recently saw half of his immediate family destroyed by the Johnson kids of Naperville, IL, who needed money for the mall.

The anthropomorphized little fellow has wrestled with suicidal thoughts ever since, and would rather end it all than have his ceramic tummy smashed to pieces and looted so that a bunch of snot-nosed kids can buy pretzels and soda pop.

"I couldn't care less if the Johnson kids learn the value of saving," he squeaked. "What's wrong with buying 'em all Savings Bonds?"

Hearing this, Bacon sizzled with anger.

"I'm sorry you saw all your family pulverized to death," he snapped. "But which option would you rather have, Pinky? A trip to the Proctologist or a trip to the morgue?"

Bacon says Americans can start saving piggy banks by not smashing them and opting to use other forms of money, such as credit cards.

"Visa and MasterCard are all for doing away with the concept of saving," he said.

One last hurdle to makin' Bacon's vision come true is raising enough money to grease the right palms in Congress.

“I need to lobby,” said Bacon, “But I don’t want to have to break the bank to do it.”

Meanwhile, Ernie the piggy bank relives his hangman's noose nightmare every day.

“Kids want to save money,” he said despondently. “But nobody wants to save me!”

Shortly after our interview with Ernie, we heard he'd “rolled off” a shelf and shattered on the floor, hemorraging three quarters and two dimes, which rolled under a nearby couch. Not only have the Johnson boys yet to find the missing coins, they were ordered by their mother to sweep up Ernie's remains and to "be more careful next time."

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