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Public Outrage
Grows Over O.J. Cook Book

simpson

This advance copy of O.J. Simpson's new cookbook, if it makes it to bookstore shelves, will probably fly off them – into the dumpster.

MIAMI - That funny football player from the hilarious Naked Gun movies is at it again.  Reinventing himself for the umpteenth time, O.J. hopes to explain in a new cookbook he's writing how he might "theoretically cook and kill a ham" in preparation for Christmas. It is all part of his plan to tap into the under served culinary true-crime genre – while softening his homicidal image.

"Picture a gentler, kinder sort of acquitted killer - Rachel Ray with a butcher knife!" said his publicist, James Killjoy.

"I'm not saying I've carved a ham before," mused Simpson. "But if I were to cut up a ham, I would probably do it exactly like when I, eh, that guy... whoever... killed my ex-wife."

Despite years of playing golf on the luxuriant courses of South Florida, Simpson has yet to find the real killers of his ex-wife Nicole Brown, and her friend Ron Goldman. He says he is reluctantly starting to rule out the possibility that he might find them any time soon.  Nonetheless, he wanted to talk about his new Christmas Cook Book, If I Cooked A Ham.

"I'm not saying I would carve the ham up," said Simpson, "But maybe I am.  Who knows?  Maybe I carved hams before.  Maybe I didn't.  But if I did, I'd probably grab the pig from behind and try to sever its head. Much like I would kill my ex-wi - that is, if I did it."

Simpson revealed his number one tip for selecting a ham.  "It has to fit on your serving platter.  If the platter doesn't fit, you must acquit," laughed Simpson. "Then you leave the room... come back... and hopefully by then the LAPD mismanages the glaze, the pineapples, the cherries... so it's not your fault if the ham really sucks.  You would think those donut-eating coppers would know a thing or two about glaze..."

Executives at Regan Publishing thought a Christmas cook book by someone who in all likelihood butchered two people would make a great stocking stuffer for the holidays – and a welcome replacement to the shameful book If I Did It, which recently had the kibosh put on it by News Corp., Regan Publishing's corporate parent.     

If I Carved A Ham, meanwhile, is just the start of bigger things. Other O.J. books in the pipeline include The Idiot's Guide to Chopping up Your Ex-Wife; Men Are From Mars, Women Should Have Their Heads Cut Off; and, a collaborative project with actor Robert Blake (another unjustly-accused famous guy), The Dead Wives Club.

"Simpson's an expert at using serrated utensils, or so it's been alleged. " said Killjoy. "It could be argued – theoretically – that carving a ham is probably very similar to carving a human being. There might be a synergistic overlap between Simpson nearly cutting off of his ex-wife's head and removing the neck of a ham. Not that he did it. Plus, there are some really good recipes in this book..."

Killjoy revealed that he and Simpson briefly considered a promotional appearance by Simpson on Oprah.

"He was going to jump hysterically on Oprah's couch, slashing it to pieces with a knife, yelling "I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!" Killjoy said. "But The Juice wouldn't go for it. Said he could never stoop so low. You gotta respect the guy. He's got standards."

Interestingly enough, studies show considerable market interest in O.J.'s writing another book, If I Killed Myself.

O.J. reportedly has considered killing himself before. Close associates and sychophants of the ex-running back say the only thing that stopped him was his inability to profit from his death. But he hasn't ruled out the idea. Meanwhile, his lonely hunt for the killers on the fairways of South Florida continues.

simpson

LAPD mug shot of O.J. Simpson shortly after he, eh, somebody, carved up his wife.  Ever since, he's been searching for the killers on posh South Florida golf courses. 

In order to pay the high fees charged by private golf clubs, Simpson plans to launch a series of cook books on how to carve hams for Christmas --and a line of instructional DVDs designed for the overworked husband who doesn't have enough alibis for killing his ex-wife and her lover.


We asked O.J. what he'd likely say if he ever encountered Nicole's killers on the golf course. 

"I don't know," Simpson shrugged. "Fore?"

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