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Cavemen shown to have surprisingly sophisticated HR departments

How a Paleolithic HR Representative was thought to have looked 50,000 years ago.

Note mortal threat in background.

LASCAUX, France — Job hunting is never easy. Try job hunting and gathering in the age of dinosaurs—even tougher! Turns out our distant cavemen forefathers wrestled with the same dogged job problems that still plague many staffing recruiters today: lack of qualified candidates, falsified resumes and exaggerated career accomplishments.

Dr. Frederic Diffendorpher of the Archaeological Institute for the Preservation of Pedantic Study claims to have unlocked the mystery behind newly discovered ancient cave scrawlings in Lascaux, France. Diffendorpher believes they reveal a surprisingly sophisticated system of Paleolithic HR recruitment.

Primitive etchings recently discovered in Lascaux Caves depict the eerily modern candidate selection process. These cavemen in particular were noted for their color copier.


“Early cavemen were working schumcks just like the rest of us,” Diffendorpher said. "Worse, they were slaves to the clock, long before the damn thing was even invented.”

A Paleolithic conference table where an early HR recruiter, “Gorg”, reviewed stone slabs during the candidate selection process. Those invited to interview were given a series of situational-based questions such as “If your hunting party were being chased by a T-Rex and your teammate tripped, what would you do?” Those who didn't answer satisfactorily were bludgeoned to death with clubs.

We traded Diffendorpher’s startling research findings for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

For our troubles, Diffendorpher gave CoverUps this exclusive – a Neanderthal job posting for a Hunter Gatherer Specialist position:

Before he passed out in an alcoholic stupor, Diffendorpher managed to say that it was challenging for early man to find qualified hunter-gatherers. Volcanic eruptions, dinosaurs eating the staff, and short life expectancy were just a few of the many problems faced by stressed-out Paleolithic HR staffers.

Diffendorpher’s research accepts as axiomatic the notion that dinosaurs—previously thought to have predated cavemen by millions of years—did indeed cohabitate with man as little as 50 thousand-years-ago. For readers who object to this notion, CoverUps suggests a trip to the local video store to rent "Caveman", starring well-known paleolithic expert Ringo Starr; that should be enough to put all doubts to rest.

“It was a dog eat dog world back then –literally – Diffendorpher said. "Only after the dinosaurs were permanently outsourced by Giant Meteor Inc. did man flourish."

Diffendorpher’s technical rendering of early man’s typical “day at the office.”


“So people are incorrect to say outsourcing is medieval – rather it is prehistoric,” Diffendorpher added, before his speech became incomprehensibly slurred.

You can shay that again...

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