Plastered BigFoot Destroys Pharmacy
HAYDEN, ID - No stranger to "Bigfoot" sightings, Sam Clark, 56, once proud owner of the Medicine Man Hayden Pharmacy would often feed a local bigfoot who went by the name "Seamus." He said Seamus would occasionally wonder into his wooded backyard overlooking Casco Bay. Clark would leave out hams, bananas, old Long John Silver's fare, and some of his wife's notoriously awful meatloaf.
Life was good. Clark, like many others, thought most Bigfoot creatures were relatively harmless and kept to themselves--until one allegedly trashed his pharmacy business last week.
"It was very slow. I was working alone that night leafing through the latest Maxim (soft porn magazine). Out of nowhere a bigfoot came into my store with a wild look in his eyes," recalled a terror-stricken Clark. "He pulled me from over the counter and said 'Where's the f---'n Lamisil.' Before I could answer, he kneed me in the groin and then totaled my store. His breath stank like bourbon."
Clark is not alone. Other Pharmacy store owners in the area have claimed similar attacks by a berserk, and out-of-control, Bigfoot, who is seemingly hell bent on obtaining Dr. Scholl's foot products and other podiatric related ointments and balms.
Todd Birnbauer, 45, former manager of Walgreen's Appleway Drug Store, merely miles from Clark's business, claimed his store was destroyed by an inebriated Bigfoot just last year.
"I empathize with Sam (Clark)," Birnbauer said, who now makes a living selling pain killers out of his studio apartment while confined to his wheel chair. "Yeti (Bigfoot) can be nice out in nature, but man, when they get 'all banged up' - look out."
Kootenai County Sheriff, Gus Watson, said he would like to bring in this Big Foot for questioning. He's considering whether to seek a warrant for his arrest, but mainly just wants to let him know help is available.
Watson has posted signs around town but so far Big Foot remains at large.
Something's definitely afoot (no pun intended) because Yeti typically leave us alone," Watson said. "But if a Bigfoot trashed these stores then they will pay... If he has a drinking problem or some kind of foot fungus, we want him to know it is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, if you look at my big toe..."
(Oh, jeez, look at the time... Got to go Sheriff!)