jokes jokes















SEARS Introduces
"Coffin Refrigerators"

The new Sears RefrigerCoffin. It stores your meats, vegetables, and dead relatives all in one convenient location. Use the box while you’re alive to preserve your edible perishables. When you reach your earthly expiration date, simply have a relative neatly tuck you inside it and have the refrigerator buried in the nearest cemetery. Or, go Viking-style and set it on fire. It’s all good!

CHICAGO — Sears Roebuck Co. is leading the way once again in the major retail appliance category that’s brought us cell phones that take pictures, Doritos that taste like hamburgers and all sorts of products that do what other products do. But Sears’ new RefrigerCoffin outdoes them all and then goes, if not the extra mile, at least the extra six feet down.

Many consumers feel Coffin-Refrigerators have crossed the line and that burying the dead in home appliances, while making environmentally, crosses the line of decency and taste.

Said old fogey Terry Higginbottom of Naperville, “I’m beginning to miss the days when a phone was a phone and a camera was a camera. A refrigerator that's also a coffin? I don’t want to know what they’ll think of next.”

Behind-the-times fuddy-duddy Grant Stockton of Chicago’s lower east side, agreed. “Am I the only one who gets freaked out because now I can get filtered drinking water from the same appliance in which I am to be laid to rest for eternity?”

But totally-with-it Sears Marketing Vice President Nate Grimm sees things differently.

“We have to think about the environment here,” he said. “Coffins and refrigerators are roughly the same size. Okay, I’ll grant you they have different shelving systems, but still. They’re both expensive purchases. Look at it this way. You plunk down two grand on a stainless steel Elite Eternity Model and you’re killing two birds with one stone: you get a top-of-the-line Kenmore and a box that meets all regulations for burying the dead. What more could you ask?”

Grim added that marketing research indicates that side-by-side models appeal to couples who wish to meet their maker together. Plans are also in the works for higher end RefrigerCoffins with freezer conversion kits to cryogenically store all or part of a loved one should they wish to be reconstituted during a later millennium.

What about people who prefer incineration? Grimm says Sears is working on an electric range that’ll do the trick.

“What more could you ask for?” he said merrily. “Just set Grandpa to 4,000 degrees and wait for the bell.”