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Playboy Angel Draws God's Ire

playboy angel

Charlie the Angel is reportedly in God's dog house, what with all his blatant philandering and lavish parties.

CLOUD NINE - In a startling divine revelation, Coverups has learned that Heaven is once again embroiled in controversy, this time stemming from a recent flap between a flamboyant, outgoing and rambunctious angel, Charlie, who enjoys living the high life in his swank bungalow in the posh Pearly Gates Vista gated community.

“Thou art really beginning to piss me off,” God allegedly said at a recent dinner party to the irrepressible Charlie, who was formerly a Hollywood talent agent of little renown.

“I didn’t even know who he was down there," said The Almighty later. "But he thinks he’s Brad Pitt up here…”

God said Charlie's alleged charitable endeavors on earth gained him a pass into the heavenly afterlife.

"He was supposedly humble and chaste down there," God grumbled. "Up Here the dude thinks he’s a got a pass to live the good life. Either that, or we were simply not paying attention and he slipped through. It's happened before. I’ll have to review the historical record and see if he really did do all those nice things for the blind children that he said he did."

Yet again, the heavenly contretemps has been relayed to CoverUps via none other than the spiritually famous Fr. Lou McKenna, the self-styled “raging alcoholic of the Word.”

McKenna said things really heated up when God received last month’s water bill.

“It was through the roof!” McKenna exclaimed. “You see, Charlie the Angel was secretly turning mass quantities of water into wine and beer, all for his Heavenly bashes…”

According to McKenna, God considered turning water into beer to be rude, and not in keeping with the spirit of the afterlife. Plus it was expensive.

“Just because we're in the Blessed Realm of the Devine doesn’t mean everything is free," the Heavenly Father groused. "There are respectable ways to earn a living here. You can start your own cloud-based business, for instance. There's a big demand for it. Admittedly we are afflicted with excessive bureacratic delays here, but that's no different than Earth, Limbo, or Hell … Still, it's no excuse. Charlie should buck up every now and then and show a sense of decorum. He must change his ways. I've half a mind to smite him.”

God’s displeasure didn’t end there.

“Just because our official policy is 'turning the other cheek' doesn’t mean we have to turn a blind eye to reprobate idiocy,” God said. “I just may have to – what is the phrase? Oh yes! I just may have to 'Open a can of whup-ass on him and set him straight.”

Asked to comment on the implications for him of God's Wrath, Charlie claimed it was all a big misunderstanding.

"It's true I have many female companions here," Charlie admitted. "Ask any of them about me and they'll say they find my company heavenly. Many of them are moved to utter His name in my presence. How could He ever object to that?"

“He tryeth my patience," God muttered. "You know, I could sign him up for our reincarnation program tomorrow and send him back as a Nerd! Believe you me, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again…”

“I am the all-powerful Lord Almighty for crying out loud! Doesn’t that mean anything to anybody anymore?" God thundered.

Looking around down here at the state of things, we have to wonder about that sometimes.

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