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Man Claims To Find
“Black Hole” In His Wallet

Scientists speculate there's a black hole hiding somewhere inside this starfield, photographed recently by the Hubble Space Telescope. But that isn’t really saying much is it? For crying out loud, this photo spans a distance of millions upon millions of light years ― the friggen nerf football I lost in the eighth grade is probably in there somewhere! But, CoverUps digresses.

Charlotte, N.C. ― Scientists at Duke University’s Theoretical Particle Physics Laboratory claim to have discovered a real black hole in a man’s wallet. They will publish the findings next month in the American Journal of Half-Baked Pseudo-Science and Black Hole Monthly (not to be confused with a similarly titled adult magazine).

Walter Upsher, a reader of both Black Hole Monthly magazines, noticed when he put cash in his wallet that it disappeared into thin air. When he came across Kamalakara's article, he got to thinking there might be just such a cosmic anomaly in his wallet. He promptly contacted Kamalakara.

“We thought Mr. Upsher was joking and just had bad spending habits like everyone else,” said Kamalakara of Duke University’s Physics department. “But he was right: inside his wallet the space-time continuum breaks down. Something in there sucks in not only all visible light, but his money too.  It’s like his money is getting flushed down a toilet of special relativity.”

Walter Upsher’s wallet , shortly after he tucked a hundred bucks into it. The money simply vanished into another dimension.


Like most women, Black Holes are poorly understood, Kamalakara said. Many theories abound to explain their existence and what they're all about (black holes, not women). It's not beyond the realm of theoretical physics that a “mini-black hole” could actually exist in a businessman's wallet, he said. He has long theorized about it, though few of his colleagues have had serious discussions with him because they were too busy laughing their asses off.

Walter Upsher has lost thousands of dollars over the course of the past year.

His friends thought he was joking when he told them how money simply disappeared into a cosmic vortex in his wallet.

Upsher's first wife left him because she thought he was making it up. Fortunately his second wife is more understanding. Muriel Upsher uses his wallet as a back-up food disposal device. She put the half-eaten remains of their Easter ham into his wallet last April. Upsher's neighbor has used his wallet to dispose of old motor oil.

As a mortgage loan officer, Upsher takes it in stride that all his hard-earned money has been sucked into a parallel universe.

“Well, since I work in the mortgage refinance business, I guess I should know a thing or two about throwing money down a black hole," Upsher joked. "That’s pretty much what I convince people to do all day long ... Still, that money has to be going somewhere… I only wonder where?”

Amazingly, we may have an answer to that mystery.

Confidential sources have told CoverUps that Rarf Nangork, a billionaire alien from the Alpha Centauri system living openly amongst Americans, makes routine trips to a planet in star cluster M 400 of the Virgo Constellation.

Rarf Nangork

Spending like a drunken sailor at Joe’s Cosmic Crab Shack recently, an inebriated Nangork allegedly bragged to friends that he'd just returned from his own personal “money planet.” He also reportedly smelled of ham, and asked bystanders how he might remove an oil stain from his pants.

Coincidence? We think not.

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